The Idiorhythmic River

Over the last couple of years I’ve tried to work with my depression instead of against it.  To me this means going with the flow: working on those tasks that I feel up to, and not forcing myself to slog through tasks.  Do this goes against my upbringing.  It goes against some of the underlying belief in hard work that is so prevalent in American society.

We “tough it out” and “work through the pain.”  We never take sick days.  We pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and soldier on.  We put in 110% and go big or go home.  We fake it till we make it.  What we never, ever do is stop to question who is the taskmaster that set this schedule, let alone why we should follow it.

Hard work, after all, is it’s own reward.

This last week I’ve been plagued with insomnia … again.  I can’t fall asleep until four or five or six in the morning.  And then, when I do, I sleep away half the day.  If it weren’t for the fact that Stephan is at home and responsible for the kids in the morning, the house would be miserable.

Part of this is a physical cycle: sleep away the day and of course I won’t be able to sleep at night.  Part of it is my depression: meds help, but the American Horror Show: White House that is playing out is making it worse.

I’ve tried to work with this: breaking down work into simple tasks and tackling them as I feel able.  I spent Monday baking and prepping meals.  Tuesday was running errands.  Yesterday I started seeds for the garden, and registered for some events later this year.  Very little time was spent in the workshop.  And it’s that which Jerk Brain latches onto.  I have deadlines!  I am not depressed, I’m lazy!  Going with the flow is just an excuse for not having dedication and follow through!

And, despite having years of practice dealing with Jerk Brain, it can still be hard to ignore.  Especially when one or two bad days drags out into four or five.  I begin to second-guess this plan of giving myself permission to do work that isn’t tied to a paycheck.  I start to look at my output, at my hours worked, and scattered as they are across the days and week it is hard not to see them as inferior to a solid forty hour work week.  When I have to budget and scrimp and save, when I look at my dwindling bank account, it is hard not to believe Jerk Brain when it insists that I am a failure.

One of my weapons against all this is Stephan.  I tell him that I feel like I am being a bad partner and mom.  That I worry I am not contributing enough to our family’s stability.  I tell him that I’m worried my insomnia is responsible for his own sleeplessness.

He responds that I am doing fine.  He says Jerk Brain is an asshole liar.  He promises that if he had an issue with anything he would say so.  And he cracks jokes to make me smile and laugh.  He gives me permission to keep going with the flow, not because he thinks I need it, but because he knows I want it as a shield against my doubts.  I’m hoping that one day I won’t have to rely on him so much.  I am also okay with the knowledge that that day may never come.

More than that I will try to take it a day at a time.  Despite the insomnia and sleeping in today I managed to tidy up the house, help Benjamin with his homework, and take some measurements for projects.  And I wrote this post.  Little tasks.  Little check marks on the to do list.  And one by one I will get things done.

Client Spotlight: Matt & Shirley

Tattoos and costuming have a lot in common.  You get your first one and you think you’re done.  Next thing you know the itch for yet another coat, or hat, or patch, or whatever creeps in.  Add LARP into the mix, where you are always on the lookout for a new costume piece for an existing character, or for a brand new character, and every day is a new opportunity for another costume piece.

roach's first larp costume
My first ever LARP costume. I made a T-tunic out of an old linen and lace tablecloth. Not shown, the final product splattered with paint to look like blood.

And like tattoos, if you are lucky you find someone who you can trust to add to your collection.  It can make for a beautiful, and creative, relationship.  As a costumer/seamstress, I love those relationships.  Not only because it means regular income, but because the collaboration can take me to interesting and inventive places.

Matt and Shirley are two such clients.  I met them through LARP, and have been lucky to call them friends over the years.  When the approached me for costumes for a Byzantium based vampire LARP I did a little victory dance.  The last time I worked anywhere near the BCE was back when I first started LARP in a Constantinople by Night game.  There was a lot of room for inventive costuming just waiting to be investigated.

Matt and Shirley are great examples of costuming clients.  They had a good idea of what they wanted and were open to suggestions.  Matt’s costume request was simple: a sarong with a Poseidon themed border print and a cape.  He provided me with pictures of sample garments and knew what colors he wanted.  My only input was to offer up a few designs for him to pick from for the border.

The design was accomplished with fabric paint and a stencil.  I used a linen-look fabric for the sarong and cape for a period-esque look without the drawbacks (wrinkles and a high price point).  For the cloak I added a black and white key trim ribbon and chain clasp.

Stencil This
The most time consuming part of all this was cutting out the stencils. If I were to do this more often I would invest in on of those home laser cutter machines. I feel particularly proud of remembering to put down a garbage bag liner before I started painting.

I had never done stencil work before, so this gave me a valuable opportunity to pick up a new skill, and then think about other ways I could accomplish the same task.  If I had had the time and budget I would have gone with a 100% linen and used a bleach or batik technique for the design.  That said, no matter where you stand on the whole “LARP requires costuming“, (and equivalencies to tattoos aside), I advocate going with what your budget allows.  Getting the look for your character doesn’t have to cost a ton.

Shirley had a vague idea of what she wanted and with some back and forth we settled on a linen chiton with a fur capelet. This led to my favorite moment in the idea process where I mentioned I had a sheepskin in the workshop much to Matt’s disbelief*.

The chiton was, again, made from a linen-look material.  Much like Matt’s sarong and cloak I was just dealing with two long rectangles of cloth.  That was actually the most difficult part of putting the costuming together.  Dealing with yards and yards of cloth can be hard.  I ended up spending a lot of time standing in front of Kenny with fabric draped over my shoulder as I hemmed it.

The capelet was the most difficult piece to put together, mostly due to the fact that I was dealing not with a cut of cloth, but an entire piece that had ragged and awkward edges.  I spent a lot of time with it hung on Mildred, adjusting it this way and that to find the best drape.  The fastenings came from thrifted belts and metal hardware procured from Textile Discount Outlet.

Since neither of these costumes included pockets, and I am a proponent of hands-free gaming, I made up simple drawstring pouches for both out of left over fabric.  At the very least they would be able to store their character sheets out of the way when they weren’t throwing chops.

My other philosophy when it comes to LARP costuming, is that you have a better RP experience when your costuming is comfortable and fits.  I think these two pieces hit both those marks, if I am to judge from the pictures Matt sent me of Shirley in her outfit.

A Fierce and Wise Woman
Shirley in her completed costume. I love how fierce she looks.

*Over the years various and sundry items have materialized in the workshop.  I suspect the house gnomes secret them there.  In this case, however, a friend and client had gifted me the sheepskin after a thrifting trip.