My house is being foreclosed on. This comes as no surprise. I have been fighting to keep my home since I got divorced in 2008. One of my first battles led me to run a fire sale on custom corsets. I raised almost $1,500 for my mortgage. For nine years it has been a struggle. There have been bad conventions and years of expensive car repairs. I’ve dealt with financial sabotage on the part of my ex-husband. And I’ve made mistakes, like with the way I tried to restart my publishing company back in 2012.
On top of that all, I’ve also been dealing with depression and anxiety. At times I know people have wondered why I worked so hard to keep hold of this house. What I tell them is that it’s not just the house. If I lose my home I can’t afford to stay in the area. And if I move I will have a custody battle on my hands.
This final notice of foreclosure, though, has brought with it an acceptance that this is just how things are going to be. I’m not going to be in this house much longer. Which puts me in a holding pattern. Foreclosures can take years to be resolved. I could be moving in six months or six years. That kind of uncertainty makes planning for the future tricky. I have the chance to vend at C2E2, but can I commit to an event in April when I might be states away? Should I look at events in the area I plan to move to when I don’t know my move date? I already anticipate losing money in 2018 because of this.
It’s harder with the house. Is there a point in planning next year’s garden? And just what should we fix around the place? I feel like I can’t even properly mourn the home I will lose because everything is so uncertain now. Making peace with what is going on is difficult when I don’t know what the future holds.
It’s funny, this happening now. I haven’t posted a financial update in a while due to being so busy, but that doesn’t mean the news is bad. This year is on course to being my best one yet. Every month but one has been in the black and I’ve made my sales goals at the majority of my events. Even better, I’ve seen an uptick in commissions and Etsy sales.
Professionally, I’m feeling very good about my work. I have a book contract. I’m even getting jobs doing e-book layout and design (my latest project was for author Richard C. White on his book Harbinger of Darkness). It’s work that I really enjoy.
In my personal life things are wonderful. I’ve got two lovely, smart and creative kids. Stephan is the best husband and partner I could ever hope for. I am slowly learning about living with cats. My depression and anxiety are pretty much under control. I even have a bit of a social life.
All of this is in stasis, too, now. I can’t plan longer than a month out. I can’t commit to long term plans, or make connections in the area I’ll be moving to. I have to just accept that this is the way things are right now. I have to be prepared for change, but not spend all my time waiting for it.
It’s a balancing act to be sure. I try to keep grounded in the present as much as possible. I tackle my October to do list, clearing the old growth from the yard, paying the bills, checking to see what linens need replacing before winter arrives. I go into the workshop and concentrate on the handful of commissions I have to finish up. And I tell myself a dozen times a day that things are going to be okay, it’s a transition and it sucks, but I will survive it.
I am sure that one day, in the future, I will look up from the present and see that I did, indeed, survive.