2015: The Year of Slightly Less Poverty

So 2015 was supposed to be the year I returned to sewing and started living a more creative life.

How did that work out?

More or less okay.  I overestimated how well I was, thinking that my mental health was fine now that I was on medication. That wasn’t really the case, though.  I spent most of 2015 battling my anxiety, at times unable to leave the house.  Since I was working from home, that wasn’t a deal breaker.  But it made getting supplies, sending off packages and the like more difficult.  Not impossible, but requiring a greater amount of scheduling and having things go right.

The depression was a bigger problem to contend with.  It would sap me of motivation and energy.  Coupled with the insomnia, I had to fight for every productive moment for the first half of the year.  It has only been in the last two months that I have found myself more often stable than not.

On the financial front, things fared about the same.  My grand plans for a limited number of large conventions hit speed bumps.  Two of them costing me money.  Those pretty much knocked the wind out of me economically speaking.  It’s only been in the last month that I have caught up on my bills.

But you aren’t here for value updates on how the year went.  You want the nitty gritty.  Just how much money did I make on this quest to earn a living by my creative endeavors?

When it is all said and done I made a gross income of $3,858.86.  My expenses equaled $3,976.53.  So my year ended in the red by about $120.  Up until I paid for my Anime Midwest booth I was in the black for six months of the year, though.  Not great, but not catastrophic.

How did I make my money?

Commissions $1,185.00
Etsy Sales $759.21
Direct Sales* $1,475.50
Other** $407.46

With that $120 in the hole sitting there, the question some might ask is: Why are you going to keep this up in 2016?  I’m asking a different question: Having made almost $1,500 in convention and direct sales with two awful events as part of the mix, how much more could I earn vending at two larger, more established events this year.


* The include sales at conventions as well as sales to people who contacted me directly rather than through Etsy.

** Stuff sold on E-bay, E-book formatting work, etc.

Being human… and a stay-at-home parent

So, given recent events on our website and some recent questions regarding how to deal with filling a non-stereotypical role on various stay-at-home-dad (SAHD) groups I’m a part of, I thought it appropriate to write about those topics.  My hope is that this will help raise awareness and increase consideration when dealing with those dads who are taking a more supportive role in the household, but the reality of it is that those that read this are probably already aware and considerate.

First things first, there will always be ‘haters’ and the decisions you will make will more than likely upset someone. Knowing that helps increase the level of resolve in making some choices particularly where your family is concerned, but sometimes even that level of resolute awareness isn’t enough.  Especially with choices that are emotionally charged and/or deeply rooted in a sense of self.

Choices that revolve around becoming a SAHD and not being the person who provides the paycheck for the family may seem easy to deal with on the surface (like hearing someone in the line at the grocery store say, “Man, I’d love to not have to go to work”) but they’re not.

We’ve been raised in a patriarchal society where the man is the person who brings home the money (and even then is judged on how much he brings in and his position at where he goes to bring that money in) and the woman is the person who stays at home with the kid(s) and is the caretaker of the house. We’ve seen just how our society reacts to those that break from those stereotypes.  While times are changing and considerate awareness is growing (in aspects of more than just SAHDs), there are still those situations of intolerance and ignorance.

We’ve all, by now, heard the statement that when dads are alone with their children, they’re ‘babysitting’. While it may have been said in a joking manner, it’s not.  It’s derogatory and demeaning. It’s a thought process that belittles and invalidates the efforts those fathers spend with their child.

We are all people, encountering other people in a single moment, and placing assumptions on motivations of actions in that moment is just plain ignorant.  Most people I meet are not Sherlock Holmes, so they should stop acting the part.  We do not know what led that person to that moment, we do not know their motivations for doing what they are doing and certainly can’t read their thoughts to discover who they are.  Even friends and family we’ve spent significant time with aren’t open books or 100% predictable.

There is an easy way to help curb this behavior, that, unfortunately requires a level of awareness that people tend to ignore:  Ask yourself, before you speak, what it is you expect to receive by saying what you are about to say.  We may not be able to read the thoughts of others, but our own thoughts are right there.  Listen to them. Talk to them.  Have a conversation with them about this situation.  In other words, think before you speak. Sometimes this is an epiphany to some, particularly when a father, who was the ‘bread-winner’ is now the one at home.  For me, it opened up a whole new level of respect for those parents who stayed at home.

Given the new path being forged by the SAHD, it can be difficult to be resolute in the face of confrontation with what has always been viewed before as inadequacy. Especially when it’s new to the particular SAHD or when there are issues of self-worth being worked through in accepting the new role. To those who are, new and veteran alike, I have some things to say (and I’ll keep saying them):

You are awesome!  You are doing what’s right for your family, your child(ren) and yourself. You are setting an example of the wonderful diversity inherent in humankind. You are courageous enough to face the potential societal slings and arrows. You are showing your love to your partner and to your children.  They see you being present and they see how you deal with those obstacles that breaking from the normal parameters can bring. You are not only their parent, but also their teacher.  You are their window into how to cope with a world who doesn’t always accept things that break from stereotypes.  They also see that you are human, imperfect and emotional.  What they see, they become.

Show your children what it means to be human.  What it means to be a parent.  What it means to put forth that effort in a way you’re not used to and a way that breaks from the norm.

Show others respect, for we don’t know what brought them to this moment or why they would say hurtful things (whether intentional or not) but have the courage to call them out on it, with the faith that your child will see you, and will follow suit when they’re older and able.

You are their example of what they can become. Be you, so that they can be them.

So, if you see a stay-at-home parent, whatever role, be considerate and understanding.  They work hard on more than just physical chores.

Putting a Price Tag on it.

I am writing this with my experience viewed through the lens of a now stay-at-home-Viking (aka dad), but I believe that the perspectives I discuss in this post can help enlighten those who have never thought about what it means to be a stay-at-home-parent.

There are two very distinct perspectives that I believe need to be discussed and thought about when looking at what it takes to support your family with a stay-at-home-parent:

  • What does your family need, financially speaking, to maintain their current standard of living;
  • What worth are the efforts put forth doing the menial duties in supporting the family.

A very prudent note is that none of these things can really happen effectively (or to help promote a happy family since there’s a very distinctive difference between surviving and living) without, at minimum, a strong level of communication with your partner.  This should not be an ultimatum given, but a plan open to discussion and malleable.  Respect given is respect earned and received in kind (which goes for more than just family, but that’s another blog post for another time).

The first point is the most utilitarian but also the most necessary.  Every parent should know what they need, financially, to make their house run (utilities, mortgage, groceries, gas, etc…). If you know that, then you can break down what needs to be brought into the household (through whatever means) in order to make sure that your family has a roof over its head.  Whether this is from an alternate source of revenue (like starting your own business, or freelancing) or from the standpoint of the spouse finding a new line of work, it’s important to know how much, minimum, you’ll need.  This is the easy part since it’s a somewhat static number and is told to you by someone else.

The second point, while not the most necessary, is more important to recognize and extremely vital to a healthy family environment.  As such, it is the more difficult to assess.  Making sure the family has a nutritious breakfast, lunches are made (for the partner or children who leave the house for the day) and everyone has what they need is just the start of the day.  Then there’s the pet maintenance, cleaning, cooking/prepping for dinner, dishes, laundry that needs to be washed and dried and folded and put away, bill paying, list making, and consumable household supplies that need to be noted (if not acquired) though this is not the comprehensive list. For increased difficulty, add caring for a newborn/infant/toddler (again only by experience can one understand just how difficult it can be).  All these things require attention and doing it with a child not only adds time to the task, but also splits attention which exponentially increases the amount of energy required.  Then there’s helping school age children with homework, making the dinner, cleaning up after the dinner and making certain the children are showered/bathed and put to bed.  Is there a price that one can put on that?  If you say yes, then think of that number.  Now triple it (at least).

Like educators, stay-at-home-parents are greatly under-valued and under-appreciated (not to mention under-paid in the case of teachers) in our society and why I feel it’s important to have a strong relationship built around respect with your partner who is performing these tasks. They do it out of love and necessity and it oftentimes can be linked to their sense of self-worth.  Keep that in mind the next time you put on a clean shirt or eat off a clean plate.  Take the time to speak your appreciation. Not only will it help your family thrive happily, but it will set a great example of how parents should be to the children who are paying attention (even if you think they don’t listen).

While this is certainly not the definitive list of perspectives to consider, I believe they are very important to keep in mind.  Remember, the parent who stays at home works too, quite a bit and deserve to be recognized for their efforts.  It’s not all wine and Minecraft when the other parent is away at work.