This is a deeply personal post for me. Wednesday night I ran my Magickal Home Protection workshop for the second time at the Malliway Bros in Chicago. The night before I had participated in a Zoom discussion group with subscribers to the Witches Box. The Scent of Lemon & Rosemary had been one of their September book picks and I got to talk about Hestia and witchy home economics with people who not only read but loved the book. Just days before that I had run the workshop for a group of people at the Witches Faire in Milwaukee.
That’s a lot of travel and activity and engagement for someone who is an unrepentant introvert. But I loved every minute of it. Even those moments when I was terrified of speaking in front of people. If the last couple of years have been me in my chrysalis undergoing metamorphosis, then this week has been the moment when I emerge. In essence I’m the same person I was before, but there are differences.
I have always felt this innate inability. I used to say that I was “inadequate to the task of living.” I never felt capable. Even when Sew Witchy was published I tended to believe that it was a fluke. I was just lucky to have tricked my publisher into thinking it was a good book.
I can’t pinpoint the exact moment that attitude changed. I just found myself assured in my abilities. It wasn’t the publication of the second book. I still suffered from imposter syndrome for months after. And I think that’s how change often works. There usually isn’t a big, dramatic moment signalled by the swelling of instrumental background music. More often it is just a realization that not only are you different, but that you have been for a while and you are just now noticing it.
I am so proud of the person I have become, who I continue to change into. It hasn’t been easy. I wouldn’t want to go through some of those past transformative moments again. The thing about change, though, is that I won’t have to. I’ve learned what I needed from those experiences, and, more importantly, I have put that learning into practice. The change isn’t over. It never will be. And I welcome it.