The first three days of remote learning had gone relatively well. I was able to get up at 8:30 am (a feat since I am a night owl who takes morning personally). I was getting my son, Ben, online and keeping him on task. I had tackled my to do list with gusto, drawing a red line through each completed task.
That fourth morning, though, I couldn’t drag myself out of bed before 10:30 am. My husband is working from home due to the pandemic, so he was able to get Ben started on schoolwork, and I felt guilty about leaving him on the hook for that. Within ten minutes of finally getting out of bed I was on my way down a shame spiral that so often ends with me fucking around on my phone for the whole day and abandoning my plans. And once I get derailed it can take days, if not weeks to get back on track.
To put the brakes on that tailspin, I pulled out my Tarot deck. I had started pulling a card each morning as a means of meditation, but it has turned into a way to ease in the day. As I shuffle the deck I think about the upcoming day, focusing on my anxiety and reluctance. When I pull the card and look up the meaning I find it encouraging. So far I’ve managed to find a message in each card that has helped me to get over the inertia I’ve had at starting the day.